PAPER SAMPLE "H"

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER WAS MOVING:
1. The introduction is very well presented, the topic of the paper is well outlined.
2. The paper is well written, with variation in sentence structure and interesting word choice.
3. The writer backs up all their arguments with solid facts, the "voice" of the paper is convincing.
4. The arguments themselves are very interesting and true. I specifically like the paragraph about the iPod's advertising image.
5. The paper well documented the growth and development of the product.
6. The product picked is something that everyone knows and uses; the paper seems to be very relevant to the reader for this reason.

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER IS NOT MOVING:
1. The conclusion is absolutely massive and takes up over a page of the essay. Perhaps the writer should disintegrate the paragraph in some way, perhaps into two paragraphs.
2. Never begin a conclusion with "In conclusion..."
3. There are times when the sentences become a bit long and are difficult to understand.
4. The conclusion seems to be a very detailed recap of the previous pages; instead it should merely give the big picture.
5. More information and data on the iPod could have been integrated to strengthen the writer's argument.
6. Perhaps could have used a personal memoir at some point to help illustrate the relevance and impact of this commonly used object.

PAPER SAMPLE "G"

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER WAS MOVING:
1. The concluding paragraph is very strong and well written.
2. The writer is successful at conveying a strong belief in what they have written.
3. Facts are supported by outside sources that add credibility to their argument.
4. Seems well-researched and provides abundant, interesting examples to help demonstrate their point.
5. I like the imagery of people "flying" through their day, which obviously goes well with the Red Bull topic.
6. I thought the paragraph describing the symbolism behind Red Bull and how it relates to American culture and society was interesting and well-thought out.

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER IS NOT MOVING:
1. Just from having read the opening paragraph, there is a lot of repetition with the words "we" and "our."
2. Some of the sentences are short and uninteresting; could use more variation.
3. The writer doesn't acknowledge the dangers of such an energy drink, or the unhealthy side-effects of living such a stressful and high-paced lifestyle.
4. Many of the paragraphs were very short - perhaps the writer could have found more information on the subject or integrated the information with another similar paragraph.
5. "Over 15 million members have joined the Red Bull Facebook page. Over 4,000 people have joined the "I Love Energy Drinks" page on Facebook." Perhaps this would have read better as one sentence?
6. Sometimes the "flow" of this paper was a little hard to get through. Changing up sentence structure would have made it more interesting to read.

RESPONSE TO WILL

"When writing a serious paper, a reader should not see what the writer is feeling by visuals. Instead, the writer should paint a picture with words."

I understand what Will is saying here, and I do agree with the argument he is making: good writing shows the reader what the writer is trying to convey, not tells. Being too vague with words is boring to read and creates a certain kind of disconnect between the reader and the moment or feeling that they are reading about; it is far more powerful to transport them to the event or to make them feel the emotion for themselves. However, I do not agree that writers shouldn't include visuals, as this is very much a part of "showing, not telling." I also feel that visuals are an important part of metaphors, which are incredibly successful at conveying feelings.

"The more professional a paper looks, the easier it is to follow because the reader is less distracted by color or font or how the paper is formatted. Society has set these rules and by not following them, one can become outcast and less accepted."

I find it true that professionalism and creativity do not always necessarily go hand in hand (though of course, sometimes they do). Everything has an appropriate outlet for its use, and quite often creative elements such as color choices or image use seem inappropriate when applied to academic writing. Hot pink cursive font against a pitch black background may be bold, but does not necessarily create a sense of seriousness when used for a carefully researched paper. Tempering too much with stylistic elements can seem childish and therefore diminishes the credibility of the work. The simplicity of the MLA format, while perhaps not as visually amusing as a Kandinsky painting, does possess a certain kind of beauty in its ability to allow the reader to see only the words on the page; questions like "why is the word 'sunrise' green? Do 'green' and 'sunrise' mean something together?" seem trivial and don't help the writer convey any illusive meaning. Academic writing can do without bells and whistles; good writing is simply good writing. A writer's creativity should be gauged by the strength of their work, and just that.

WRITING CENTER VISIT

I just got back from the Writing Center for my appointment with Melanie to go over the small object, large subject paper. I went in not really knowing what to expect; I'd never used the writing center for anything before. I must admit that it was a positive experience, and I could see myself going back at some point in the future. I only had about half my paper with me, so we read what I had out loud and that really helped me catch some errors in punctuation. She helped me work on breaking up my run-on sentences as well as brain storm ideas about how to continue my paper. She definitely helped generate ideas that I don't think I would have come up with, and I thought her perspective was very interesting. I'd definitely go back the next time I have writer's block.

ESSAY 1: OPENING NARRATIVE

Here is my opening narrative for my first essay. I sound like such an addict in it...

My alarm goes off every morning, but it isn’t the annoying beeping the ultimately pulls me from my warm bed into the cool, dim morning air: within 5 minutes, my computer is on and Facebook is up. I scroll through my news feed, the page that lists all of my 500-something “friends’” latest activities, and catch up with everything that has happened since I had gone to bed the previous night. Megan is newly single, Danielle uploaded photos of her recent trip to Paris, and Rebbecca went to spin class at 7:56 (and now her legs are absolutely killing her). After my rushed Facebook session, I finally make my coffee, get dressed, and head out to class.
At first, I’m able to play the role of attentive student – I listen to my professor go over the pattern of the monsoon seasons in Asia, and somehow manage to maintain focus. But it doesn’t take long for my inner Facebook addict to start feeling the need to distract myself. I sit at my desk with my blackberry out, anxiously awaiting the red light in the upper right hand corner to start flashing, summoning me to check my messages (the Facebook application that I have installed on my phone notifies me every time someone messages me, writes on my wall, or comments on any of my photos). The hope that someone out there perhaps liked my most recent status update or posted on my wall to make plans for the weekend keeps my eyes glued to the phone, always waiting for the glittering flash of the little red bulb.
My day ticks on and on, ever forward, but there is always that feeling of lonely disconnect when I am unable to see what my friends are doing, where they are, or what they are thinking at any given moment in time. Sometimes, I press the key on my phone that illuminates the screen, even when there is no flashing light; a compulsive act stemming from the constant need to know every detail in the online database that is my friends’ lives; the site that has taken over as if it were a weed. No one has posted on my wall or commented on my status; the guilt of having looked sets in and I drop my phone into my bag, hoping to forget about the Facebook world that is going on without me.

Billy Collins Question

1. In what way do you think your poem is more relevant than the original?
2. Do you feel that cliche metaphors are ineffective at conveying strong meaning?
3. What advice would you give the author of the poem (instead of re-writing the poem for them, what did they do wrong in the first place?)
4. Who's poetry do you admire?
5. What makes a poem powerful?
6. What makes a poem bunk?

Materialities of the Essay

If there were no conventions on how to present my argument, I probably would chose to create a website, since my essay is about what Facebook says about American culture. I would include screen shots of profiles and newsfeeds so that the reaser could easily understand what I was talking about in my essay when I mentioned things like "status updates" and "wall posts." On a website, I could also easily include links to my sources of information, which could further asist the reader in understanding my topic.

I would design the website simply, and as closely to the layout of Facebook as possible, so as to even further relate the website with the source of its topic.

A note about complex sentence errors...

"IN THINKING ABOUT A CERTAIN IDEA, MANY SENTENCES AND IDEAS CAN BE DRAWN BY USING DETAILED WORDS WITHIN THIS IDEA."

This sentence reads as being unnecessarily complex. I'm actually not even really able to comprehend what this writer is trying to say... the sentence is repetitive (the word "idea" appears three times) and doesn't convey a well-defined message to the reader (or at least me). Perhaps the writer means to say that new ideas can often develope out of an original thought? And perhaps by saying, "Many new ideas can be drawn from detailed words within an original one," may read a little better. Not sure!

DON'T

"PSYCHOLOGISTS HAD SPENT DECADES SEARCHING FOR TRAITS THAT EXIST INDEPENDENTLY OF CIRCUMSTANCE, BUT WHAT IF PERSONALITY CAN'T BE SEPARATED FROM CONTEXT?"

- Jonah Lehrer, Don't!

While scientists have been disregarding circumstance in their efforts to define personality types, they have forgotten that the circumstances are what mold and shape a person's personality. Therefore, such a variable should be considered to have an inextricable role in the final result. A person's upbringing and personal experiences all lend a hand in shaping every aspect of their personality - it could be said that there is no such thing as a pure personality. Such things cannot simply be categorized as Type A or Type B, as if they were templates of design. Every individual embodies a unique, undefinable persona that is wholly their own, cultivated throughout their life and interactions with their enviroment.

Pantene Commercial

This pantene commercial played on multiple stereotypes and cliches. For instance, young high school girls were dipicted as cruel, cat-like rich bullies who preyed on the poor and different. The butterfly image seemed to be more of a girly stereotype. There also was stress on how Asians seem to be focused on higher classical teachings, such as playing the violin and piano intensely,and perfecting them.

All these stereotypes and cliches are used to captivate the audience. Because such cliches are well known and even widely accepted, the viewer easily buys into what the commercial is telling us without much thought. We're fed a story that is full of stereotypes that we have seen so many times, we hardly notice it. The stereotypes help develope a story that we already feel we know: the poor, handicapped girl defeats the brutaly desperate and rivalrous rich girl because she worked hard and deserved it (good wins over bad).

Obviously, these stereotypes are far from reality: being Asian doesn't make you a good music player and being rich doesn't make you a bad person. The commercial just demonstrates how people have preconceived notions about the way people are and the way stories should unfold. The commercial sells us an image that is easy to understand and follow because it is one that is heard over and over and over again.