PAPER SAMPLE "G"

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER WAS MOVING:
1. The concluding paragraph is very strong and well written.
2. The writer is successful at conveying a strong belief in what they have written.
3. Facts are supported by outside sources that add credibility to their argument.
4. Seems well-researched and provides abundant, interesting examples to help demonstrate their point.
5. I like the imagery of people "flying" through their day, which obviously goes well with the Red Bull topic.
6. I thought the paragraph describing the symbolism behind Red Bull and how it relates to American culture and society was interesting and well-thought out.

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER IS NOT MOVING:
1. Just from having read the opening paragraph, there is a lot of repetition with the words "we" and "our."
2. Some of the sentences are short and uninteresting; could use more variation.
3. The writer doesn't acknowledge the dangers of such an energy drink, or the unhealthy side-effects of living such a stressful and high-paced lifestyle.
4. Many of the paragraphs were very short - perhaps the writer could have found more information on the subject or integrated the information with another similar paragraph.
5. "Over 15 million members have joined the Red Bull Facebook page. Over 4,000 people have joined the "I Love Energy Drinks" page on Facebook." Perhaps this would have read better as one sentence?
6. Sometimes the "flow" of this paper was a little hard to get through. Changing up sentence structure would have made it more interesting to read.