PAPER SAMPLE "H"

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER WAS MOVING:
1. The introduction is very well presented, the topic of the paper is well outlined.
2. The paper is well written, with variation in sentence structure and interesting word choice.
3. The writer backs up all their arguments with solid facts, the "voice" of the paper is convincing.
4. The arguments themselves are very interesting and true. I specifically like the paragraph about the iPod's advertising image.
5. The paper well documented the growth and development of the product.
6. The product picked is something that everyone knows and uses; the paper seems to be very relevant to the reader for this reason.

SIX REASONS WHY THIS PAPER IS NOT MOVING:
1. The conclusion is absolutely massive and takes up over a page of the essay. Perhaps the writer should disintegrate the paragraph in some way, perhaps into two paragraphs.
2. Never begin a conclusion with "In conclusion..."
3. There are times when the sentences become a bit long and are difficult to understand.
4. The conclusion seems to be a very detailed recap of the previous pages; instead it should merely give the big picture.
5. More information and data on the iPod could have been integrated to strengthen the writer's argument.
6. Perhaps could have used a personal memoir at some point to help illustrate the relevance and impact of this commonly used object.